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January 2021 - Let Go Then Bloom Inward

The view from my treatment room fuels endless introspection.

Just trust me on this one and I'll trust me on this one. I have re-written this post twice since September and I need to write it so I can let it go.

I know Covid has been devastating for many, many people. Losing loved ones, losing time with them, many businesses aren't going to make it, people are financially destroyed. And the stress. How about the weight and the worrying of all of these things that people have been forced to carry? My friends. My neighbours. My city. And, of course, Americans south of our border.

I've had my own struggles during Covid, sure. I guess what I want to say is, is that I see what's it's done to people; I am very aware that my lot in life has enabled me to get through this relatively unscathed. Covid has forced me to make decisions regarding both my professional and personal life and I have to share that I am so goddamn grateful for it. It saved me. It saved me from the day to day drudgery of thinking it's too hard to make these changes, that my boundaries take more energy to enforce than to have, and my life ain't so bad, so just keep on keeping on.

I escaped some awful relationships during the shutdown in the spring of 2020. Finally. It was a long time coming but nothing like a contagious virus to seal the deal. It forced me to look at myself and why I continued to make really horrible choices. I was off work so what else was there to do? I decided to let go. Let go of my expectations, let go of wanting to know when I could go back to work, let go of who I used to be, let go of my old life because life as I knew it, was no more. Said mostly everyone.

Fast forward to September 2020. I see this on my way to work. Actually, I saw it being formed but I didn't know it at the time. I figured it was for a film or something of that nature. Looked cool tho. Then this appears before me. In all it's colourful glory. Like it's a sign. Like someone approves. Like someone has given me the thumbs up for all the introspective work I've done. BLOOM INWARD.

Thank you Patricia Yu for sharing your amazing creativity with our city.

And I think, yes, yes I am on the right track. YES! Keep going, you are onto something. This is the opportunity for all the times you beat down your intuition or ignored your guts to reignite those feelings and TRUST them. Good lord, Jennifer, trust yourself.

And here I am, still, as I move forward into this new year, I continue to read and think and ponder and share my thoughts, feelings, and musings. What do I want the future to look like? What do I want my world to look like? Things aren't going back to the way they were for an awfully long time, if ever. There. I said it. Or, is it that maybe more specifically, my life is certainly not going back to the way it 'were'. I am completely 100% onboard with that notion.

It reminds me of a quote from a book that I read recently by Glennon Doyle, titled Love Warrior and she says this: "But knowing what we do not want is not the same as knowing what we do want." and this THIS is where I've been operating from regarding most of my decisions in the last decade.

Do you know what you want?

What does this have to do with massage therapy?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

But, wait. Let's hang out here for a second:

Does emotional pain provide a disconnect from your body or physical self?

Does trauma illicit a response from the nervous system?

Could chronic pain have anything to do with emotional pain?

I am definitely going to be blogging about this moving ahead, as pain in general and the biopsychosocial model - the connection between biology, psychology and socio-environmental factors and how they play a role in disease - is a huge interest of mine.

Yeah I know, I'm a big hit at parties.

But I don't have to worry about that though until we're all vaccinated.

I hope all the best for all of us in 2021 and I hope that people who are brave enough to look for what they want, bloom inwards to find it.

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